Mediation Q&A

Additional Information:

My husband and I are getting divorced and have agreed to go through mediation. We are on good terms and are basically going to split everything 50:50.  I already have a local Marblehead divorce attorney who will review the final mediation agreement but wondering if I should consult with one before we start mediation or will that just confuse the issues?

 ANSWER:

The answer to your question is “What would make you most comfortable?” In mediation you will be in the presence of your husband – are there questions that you would like answered privately? The mediator could not do that.  You are in control of the divorce process in mediation- if you feel that you would have more information by seeing an attorney first that would be fine.  [Read more...]

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My husband and I have decided to separate and will likely get divorced.  What do we do in the meantime in regard to finances and parenting?  I am a stay at home mom in Wellesley so I don’t have my own income.

ANSWER:

You may want to consider divorce/family mediation which would allow you and your husband to speak with a neutral mediator to come up with an agreement for a specific period of time.  This agreement might provide for child support, deciding who would live where and how your children will spend time with their father.  It makes sense to take the time to make such an important decision as to whether your want to divorce.  Sometimes a separation and some therapy may make a decision clearer.  Certainly when children are involved, coming to an agreement for how each of you will spend time with the children and where they will live would be better for all.   [Read more...]

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I thought that our separation agreement was clear, and he paid tuition for our oldest two children to attend well-regarded Boston area colleges. Am I missing something?

ANSWER:

As the cost of college has become such a huge cost, many parents are having difficulty paying for college. Given that you already have had two children go through college it makes me think that you have already dealt with a lot of the issues that people argue over such as choice of college, location and how the decision is made. Does he feel that he had input into the choices being made? Is he a part of the process? Has he suffered a financial setback? As college is a child related expense, it is usually modifiable in the event of a change in circumstance.  He may feel that he has a reason to change your agreement.  Mediation is a process that would allow the two of you to meet with a neutral third person to discuss these issues and to figure out an acceptable solution. Mediation is often used by parents when issues come up in the years after they have divorced. It would certainly be difficult for your son if his parents become embroiled in a serious conflict over his college education.  [Read more...]

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My husband and I are divorcing after a 6.5 year marriage.  We have 4 young children under age of 6. I am currently on an unpaid maternity leave from my job as a teacher. My husband owns his own periodontist businesses. My name is not on his business. We also own 2 condo’s and a house in Weston.   Can you help me understand the law as related to divorce and business ownership and everything we own together and child support and alimony?

ANSWER:

This is certainly a difficult time for you – and a time to determine what will happen in the future.  With 4 young children, divorce mediation would provide a resource to allow you and your husband to come to parenting and financial arrangements that would be in the best interest of all.  Generally, any property that is owned during a marriage, regardless of whose name is on it, is considered marital property subject to equitable division.  Something like a business which provides the main source of income for your family is a bit trickier to determine.  It is hard to see a business as an asset but also as a source of income.  The income that is derived from the business would be used (along with your income when you go back to work) to calculate child support. With very young children it is so important for their emotional health, that the conflict between the two of you not become even greater during the separation and divorce process.  Mediation can provide an avenue that allows you both to make practical arrangements for your children with the help of a neutral third party.  Studies have shown that it is not necessarily divorce that is harmful to children, but the conflict between the parents.  Often that conflict can continue for many years in a litigious and adversarial divorce.  Although your finances and lifestyle will not be the same as now, you will certainly be able to make it financially if you were to separate.  [Read more...]

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My husband and are are getting divorced.  We have about 40k in our joint savings account, but if he takes half or more, that doesn’t leave me enough for a lawyer does it?

ANSWER:

You may want to consider divorce mediation.  If you and your husband feel that you are able to sit down with a neutral independent third person to help you go through all the issues that you need to decide in coming to a comprehensive divorce agreement, then mediation may be something to consider.  Mediators are often attorneys or therapists and are trained in conflict resolution techniques and in the area of family law.  Often mediated divorces are less expensive and take less time than litigated divorces.  It is important and recommended to use an attorney during the mediation process for advice, consultation as needed, and for review of the agreement.  It is crucial to make sure the mediator you choose is experienced and credentialed in the field of divorce mediation.  [Read more...]

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My wife and I are going to get divorced, but we are not legally separated yet.   Can I still take my son on vacation out of the country?  My ex doesn’t want me to take him to a vacation to Brazil, she thinks I will keep him over there.  My mom and dad want to see their grandson, they miss him and we used to go every year, but with our separation this year we couldn’t go. I would never keep  my son away from his mom because I always believe kids should be close to their moms. All I want is 3 weeks vacation with him. What do I do?

ANSWER:

Your situation seems perfect for mediation. You and your wife can meet with a neutral third person to work out parenting arrangements and a plan as well as all the other financial decisions that need to be made in a divorce. Given that you are not divorced, your wife has a valid concern. Clearly, there is a lack of trust between you at this point. That is certainly not uncommon during the time couples are separating and divorcing. Working on some written agreements and possibly finalizing your divorce prior to leaving might be some ideas that would relieve some of the concerns your wife has. There are many suggestions that a mediator could make to come up with a viable solution to your dilemma. You do not mention the age of your son, but it would be doubtful that you could take your son out of the country without your wife’s consent.   [Read more...]

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I’ve heard about collaborative divorce attorneys in the Boston area.  What exactly is a collaborative divorce attorney? Which is the best use of our money for our divorce?

ANSWER:

Technically when an attorney is acting as a “collaborative” attorney, the hope and intention is that the other party will also engage a collaborative attorney.  In that way, both attorneys have the same goal, which is to negotiate a divorce agreement through the use of four way meetings.  The tenor of the process would be negotiation and settlement, and neither attorney would be threatening to go to court.  The theory is that without the threat of court or a judge making a decision hanging over either parties head, the husband and wife will come to a fair and equitable agreement.  Many collaborative attorneys agree at the outset of the case that if an agreement cannot be reached the parties would have to get other counsel.  The thought of starting over with new attorneys is such a negative that will encourage parties to reach agreements.  Aggressive divorce attorneys would handle a divorce in a completely different way, by litigating the matter in front of a judge.  Many couples would prefer to decide for themselves the most important decisions in their lives, rather than a judge who has very little time to hear and understand all the issues.  [Read more...]

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I work part time as software engineer in Needham, my husband works full time same type of position but he works for a big company in Boston and makes four times what I make. I make $80k, he makes $300k.  We have two young children and have been married 6 years in MA, we’re going through a divorce and now my lawyer is not returning my calls. What can I do?

ANSWER:

Given that you have young children, I would recommend that you consider divorcing by using a neutral and independent divorce mediator.  A mediator may be an attorney.  You may use mediation even if you already have an attorney.  At this stage it is so important that you maintain a good working relationship with your spouse, not as husband and wife, but as parents.  By using mediation, you are not flighting against each other but working together to come to a fair and amicable divorce agreement.  Although I understand your questions are about finances, the conflicts and disputes that come up about the finances can often affect your relationship, which has a direct result on how your children will ultimately handle the separation and divorce.  By working together with a mediator, you will be able to figure out how your combined incomes will enable the two of you to live separately.  It is important to choose a mediator who has significant background and experience in this area.  Look at the Mass. Council on Family Mediation website  to find experienced and certified mediators.  [Read more...]

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I’m recently divorced and my ex-wife can’t refinance our house, so now I can’t get a loan to purchase my own house.  What can I do?

ANSWER:

This type of scenario is becoming more and more common given the stricter financing requirements.  This would be a very good situation for mediation. If your divorce agreement does not say what would happen in the event she can’t refinance, the only options are attorneys and court – meaning a judge would have to decide, or the two of you figure out how to deal with this situation by agreement with the help of a neutral third party mediator.  There are various options that a mediator could explore with both of you, such as time frame requirements, considering selling the house etc. These options can be better explored with the two of you together.  You may have come to the agreement that your wife stay in the home for reasons that are still valid, so these concerns would need to be factored in.  If children are involved, mediation is a great option for this type of issue.  You should make every attempt to keep the conflict between the two of you from escalating over this issue for the benefit of your children.  [Read more...]

Additional Information:

I was in the process of being added to my husband’s health insurance when we separated. He then canceled the process and left me without insurance. In Massachusetts everyone is required to have health insurance coverage.  We have not yet filed for divorce but we no longer live together.  What can I do regarding health insurance coverage as we’re figuring out the divorce details?

ANSWER:

This is certainly a difficult situation- perhaps you should consider divorce mediation. The two of you would work with a neutral third person to help figure out the various logistical issues that need to be decided when couples separate and divorce.  It sounds like you were able to figure out how to separate by agreement, which is certainly a good start. The communication between the two of you seems to have broken down and your husband may not realize the situation you are in and how it will also affect him.  The issue of health insurance is extremely important – in mediation you would be able to discuss how long you would be on the policy, how the two of you would deal with the cost, and what would happen when either of you remarry.  There are also many other issues that would need to be addressed in arriving at a comprehensive divorce agreement.  Mediation is a way to divorce in a more amicable and economical way.  [Read more...]